Sleepy Time Blues

So I've been pretty conflicted about this whole notion of letting Chase "cry it out" so he can begin sleeping through the night.  After I blogged about Chase's 6-month appointment with the (mean) doctor I had every intention of trying this out.  However, shortly afterward, we went back to the (nice) doctor about his diarrhea... and, while sick, the doctor told us we need to make sure he is eating healthily and not losing weight.  So I definitely thought it was the wrong time to try this out. 

I'm a believer in attachment parenting and, as such, Chase co-sleeps with us for half the night.  The first half of the night he is in his crib, and the second half he is in the co-sleeper next to me.  I love the feeling of Chase close to me at night, and I think we both sleep better that way.  He lays down around 6:30 pm and is asleep by 7 pm.  He sleeps til around midnight.... then wakes up to eat.  Belly full, he goes back to sleep and then wakes up around 6 am (which is when I get up for work).  Now this schedule doesn't bother me at all and, in fact, I enjoyed the once-nightly feeding.  It's an opportunity for us to snuggle and bond being that I miss him so much during the day.  I figured as he grew older this would phase out on it's own.

However, the doctor made me feel like I was doing him such a disservice (promoting obesity, etc) that I thought I'd better heed his advice.  So once Chase's diarrhea cleared I figured I ought to follow doctor's orders. So.... just last week I attempted to let him cry it out.  Derek was out with friends... and the decision to experiment then was made intentionally.  You see, Derek is even "softer" than me, if you can believe it... and I needed to try this out without his (well-intentioned) interference.  It was a random day during the week, and I said to myself, tonight is the night.  This is it, girl. You're gonna do it! 

But... I couldn't do it. 

Chase woke up around midnight... fretting initially.  When I didn't respond as he expected his distress mounted, slowly escalating into heart-wrenching sobs. To me he sounded so... confused, hurt, and betrayed.  I let him cry for maybe 30 minutes or so.  Well it felt like it anyway. *sigh* It was probably closer to 9 minutes.  I finally picked him up and hugged and kissed him and spoke softly to him, letting him know that mommy was here and that he was safe and not alone.  When I fed him he ate so hungrily, like he was starving... and I felt so bad.  I knew that I wasn't ready for this.  It seemed  sadistic.  I know I need to be stronger, but I just wasn't ready. 

Well according to BabyCenter.com (aka my "baby bible") "sleeping through the night" isn't defined as a full night of uninterrupted sleep for mommy.  "'Through the night' is defined as from midnight until five o'clock in the morning," says Judith Owens, a pediatrician and director of the Pediatric Sleep Disorders Clinic in Providence, RI.  Hmmmmmm.  So..... who were these elusive mommies with Stepford babies sleeping for 12 hours straight?  As I tend to do I consulted with my older sister and a couple of girlfriends with little ones on the issue... fortunately for them (but unfortunately for me) they never had to "sleep train" their babies.  They told stories of their babies being able to sleep through the night on their own at like 3, 4, 5+ months.  A-yi-yi-yi-yi!!!

I really believe in my heart that it's going to work itself out.  Is that naive?  I also kept remembering that the doctor stressed that, once we begin letting him cry it out, we must be consistent with it from that point forward, lest we "confuse" him.  *sigh* Am I doing a disservice to Chase by indulging in this late night feeding? It just seems so... cruel to let that baby cry and go hungry.  If I'm being a wuss, feel free to tell me. I think I'm the one who needs the "tough love." LOL

Please tell me your stories... maybe it will give me strength!

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Comments

[michelle]

awww how did i miss this post? ive tried the cry it out approach and it just broke my heart sooo, i just couldn't do it!

[Diedra Chatman]

I read this from my blackberry while I was waiting on my daughter to go to sleep and boy was I anxious to respond :-)

Here is a bit from a post I wrote
http://noirmommies.com/sleeping-the-nite-away.html

My daughter stayed in the co-sleeper until she was about four months, when she was too long to fit comfortably. My one mistake is that I was still waking her up to feed, every four- five hours, as if she was still only a few days old. It was right at about four months when she started sleeping through night (6 – 7 hours) without cereal in her bottle. At four months I started adding cereal to her night bottle and honestly it did not seem to increase in the length of time she slept.

At four months I moved her back into the playard/basinet. She continued to sleep 6-7 hours, but for the duration of the night she wakes up every hour and a half wanting her pacifier. Once she turned six months, we moved our daughter to her room, in her crib (can you hear my heart shattering). Where her sleep pattern is the same, her bedtime routine starts at about 8PM with a bath, then I lotion her skin, she has a bottle in the dark, while listening to her lullaby CD in the glider. She is asleep by 9PM, but is awake again by 4AM which I only give her the paci unless she is having a hard time going back to sleep. And then our morning begins at about 7AM.

Johnson & Johnson’s bedtime bath and body lotion has always made a difference in the length of time she sleeps.

One bit of information I found out from the doctor when the baby is more than 13 pounds they are able to make it through the nite (hunger). Mommies and Daddies establish feeding and sleeping habits.

But if this your bonding time.... by all means suga :-)

I look forward to 9PM in my house. This is the time me and my hubby are suppose to be bond, what really happens it begin my chore time LOL.

[Knwill]

Hello, I'm so glad to have found your blog. I am an attachment parent and promote it on my own blog. I love finding other women of color who AP as well, it seems like we're needles in a haystack. I bedshared with my son until recently (he's 2.5) and now he co-sleeps in our room in his own "big boy bed". A great resource for sleeping solutions (that doesn't down your choice to bedshare, co-sleep, or have a seperate nursery) is Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution. I hope you'll check it out and my blog.

My story on bedsharing/co-sleeping: http://babyheaddiary.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-adventures-in-bedsharing-and-co.html

Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution: http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/books/0071381392.php

[Auntie Nabs]

as usual, i love meka's motherly and tender advice. it's really nice to hear from someone who has more than one child and can reassure u that things get easier.

lol @ *shudders* at mocha's dad's claim that u "have to" let him cry it out, lol!! i personally NEVER follow any "have to" advices (and u know our mother is the queen of giving such advice), because i feel that every child is different, and as pattodd alluded to, gut instinct should be followed.

i mean, i def think that some of ure wording was hilarious and somewhat exaggeative, i.e. sadistic, heart-wrenching sobs, betrayed, etc. lmao! i def think that as parents, we tend to haze ourselves, coming up with our own sick interpretations of what's in our baby's mind, lol. naturally, anyone who is used to waking up for a snack in the middle of the night around the same time is going to crave that snack. but after skipping it for a couple of nights in a row, then our tummies will simmer down and no longer desire it as strongly.

and believe u me, a child that only wakes up once at night for a feeding IS a stepford baby. that's awesome; but as u said, it doesnt bother ur sleeping pattern, so not really a huge problem there.

i will comment on one imp factor i noted, though. u indicated that the BOTH u sleep better when he co-sleeps with u. that leads me to think that this dependency might be coming from both of u, like maybe yall need to wean urselves from each other. i'm not being fecetious. it's just that again, sometimes we forget that kids are resilient, and it's the parents that afraid of change. just something to think about.

and for the record, lol, garvey didnt sleep thru the night completely on a regular basis until he was weaned at 12 months. he would always wake up for that snack or 2, smh, but because a few of my girlfriend's had a kid who was waking up EVERY 2 HOURS, even past the age of 1, i figured that garv's habits could be worst, so i dealt with it.

thus far, shabazz's sleeping habits are AWESOME. she's exactly 2 months and wakes up an average of 2x a night, so i have no complaints whatsoever. i def intend on being more hardcore with her than i was with garv in terms of the nightly feedings once she gets a little bit older, and i have a lot of confidence that she will def be sleeping thru the night in its entirely within a few months.

keep up the awesome work! gut instinct first, advice from others second.

[Tshepisho]

Ah man the idea of leaving the baby cry sounds sad...I guess I will be doing the same thing for my baby Chante too. She sleeps straight for the 4 hours, and the wakes up every hour afterwards. I am "okay" with this at the moment since I am not going to work yet but I guess it will be hectic when I return back to wor.

I am off for SEVEN months by the way....like that...???? Ah man its priceless. Pics of my baba are up. I am still trying to figure out how to post an album on the blog. Its hectic. But I will post a fotki link and give you the password.

Keep well

[PatTodd]

Chase might not be waking out of hunger, but out of habit - for the comfort of the feeding and your company. You will eventually have to wean him off of the feeding. Even though I'm now a mean 'ol mom of a 10 and 3 year old, :) I KNOW it's hard, but you can do it.

Perhaps you could start with weaning him from the feeding instead of having him cry it out. If you're nursing him, then cut down the length of the feeding. (When we weaned our boys from the bottle we substituted one ounce of water for the whole milk they were drinking, night by night until it was all water. Now if Chase is on formula I am NOT suggesting you do this without your doctor's okay, just giving an example.) Or you could simply offer him a bottle of water until he gets used to the idea that he won't be getting a meal in the middle of the night. And since I presume he has to wake up early to go to daycare, he will get more restorative, uninterrupted sleep, and so will you.

Another tip is to try to start weaning over a long weekend so that everyone gets to sleep in a bit if you have a rough night. Good luck, you can do it!!

[Mocha Dad]

You're going to have to let him cry it out. I know that it's painful, but you're going to have to do it. All three of my kids slept in a crib in our bedroom until they were six months old. After that, I immediately kicked them out. The kids quickly realized that they would have to put themselves to sleep. My wife and I don't let any children sleep in our bedroom for any reason.

[Sue]

What you said right here really sums it up for me: "this schedule doesn't bother me at all and, in fact, I enjoyed the once-nightly feeding. It's an opportunity for us to snuggle and bond being that I miss him so much during the day. I figured as he grew older this would phase out on it's own." If your current night time schedule is working well for both you and Chase I don't see the need to do "cry-it-out". As he gets older I am sure he will be able to go longer periods. Some babies do at this stage and some don't. I love the term "Stepford babies" b/c I read a lot of blogs and parenting sites and I'm always wondering who are these babies who sleep 12 hours a night and where can I buy one! lol. My opinion is that if you are both happy and well rested with the current situation then I say let it be and let things play out naturally. Stick with your gut instinct. If as you say, it feels cruel and unnatural don't let the doctor make you feel guilty or make you feel that you are doing something wrong. Mommy really does know best and you are definitely not being naive. Btw, I've never seen any literature that shows a once nightly feeding promotes obesity. From what I've read most babies will eventually naturally phase the night feedings out on their own.

I should add that I'm a firm believer in responding to a babies cries especially at such a young age as this is their only way of communicatiing with you. I wouldn't advocate crying-it-out to anyone, but especially in your situation I think it sounds like Chase is doing great at night--waking up once for a cuddle and a little food sounds totally normal for his age. Shoot, my son is 11 months old and wakes up at least 4 times a night so your current schedule sounds like HEAVEN to me, lol.

[Meka]

I feel so bad for you. You are torturing yourself. Rest assured you are not starving your child. Have you ever considered putting him down a little later. Just remember it will take time for him to adjust to not waking up for a midnight snack, because he is so use to his current schedule. Whenever you decide, just stick to it. When is his last feeding before you put him down at 6:30? Maybe consider putting him down around 8 or closer to eight.

I remember having a conversation about babies sleeping through the night with a friend when Jariana was a baby. She said to me, 'don't you sleep through the night without eating?' I said yes. She said believe me. Your daughter will be fine. By the time she was 6 months we were pretty good. Honey by the time Janae came along, I think at 3 months she was out until 6am and I kept her in the crib from the time she came home. See with Jariana, she would creep into my bed until the morning I gave birth to Janae (she was 31/2 okay, SMH). It was hard phasing her out. I learned real quick second time around.

These questions and feelings you have are natural. Believe me, I questioned a lot of things my first time around because you just don't know. Family, friends, and professionals give you feedback, but it is hard sometimes to just DO, because as a parent you are responsible for someone. It will be a while before Chase have to make decisions for himself and as his parents you guys want to do your best and that is wonderful. Guess what, sometimes you get it right and sometimes it will take mistakes to get it right. Your heart is in the right place and that is what really matter. Chase is loved beyond measures!!!!!!!!

When Chase's sister comes along(;-)), girl you will be so at ease. Until then, treat this transition like a day at the pool. The water is cold, and you want to get in, but it is so cold. When you jump in, before you know it, your body adjust. Yaki, when you decide to jump in, stay in. The water will warm up!!!! I promise!

Love you girl.

[Tati]

LMAO@ Stepford babies!! I am dying at that!